Back to work

I've been home with my baby girl for 6 months and the time has come to go back to work. I have felt so much anxiety and fear about leaving her for months now. I couldn't even think about it without wanting to cry. She is a different baby now.. Sleeping through the night and no more colic. Still she is my baby. Her naps are still on me while nursing and only I know everything about what she likes and dislikes. I know her cries, her laughs, her wiggles! I went in for a day the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and I cried so much! I know I have to be strong but I just keep thinking that there is 8 hours of the day I will not spend with my daughter. Eight hours I have no control over what happens to her. I can tell Dennis or my mom what to do and how to do things but in the end they still will do what they want. Dennis will stay home with Micaela for the week I go back then it will be Christmas break. My mom will then watch her full time. The plan is for Dennis to drop her off and then I will pick up in the morning.
Fast forward.....
Going back to work has been challenging since I am still nursing. My typical work day...
 5:30am wakeup, shower, pump while I do my makeup. Grab pump parts, lunch and head out. Micaela is usually sleeping when I leave.
At work...My students are dramatic but so far it's been fine. After 2nd period I scramble to pump as I only have 10 minutes and then 8 minute passing period. I make my students wait outside my room and sometimes the pound on the door which makes me so nervous. I pumps about 3-4 ounces. Then I teach 3-4 then its lunch time. I am usually starving and pretty tired. I have a student teacher, Susan Grimm 5th period and then I have 6th period conference. I usually pump during 5th or 6th period since my 5th period class is a little crazy and I need to support Ms Grimm. (I usually only get 2-3 ounces) Overall everyone has been pretty supportive..although I do feel socially isolated because I don't have the same time to hang out with everyone. My mind is very distracted and I don't care to much about work or grades. All I worry about is Micaela's milkitas and getting home to her. I miss her so so much and I usually watch videos and look at pictures while I am pumping.

Pick-up at Mom's
I usually leave 10 minutes early and arrive at my mom's by 3:15-3:30. I will usually try to nurse her right away.  I get an update on how food and naps went for the day. Then my mom will feed me or pack me dinner. I load Micki and all the plastics in the car and hope she takes a little nap on the drive.
Evenings home:
Depending on if she has napped or not I nurse Micaela in the chair and we will both nap or just relax together. I then try to make food or eat something and clean up a bit. I am so tired that its really hard to do this.  I play with Micki, feed her dinner and really just wait for Dennis to come home. Dennis arrives at about 630-7. We usually play a little..which is my favorite part of the day. We chase Dennis or read books on the bed. Micaela is the happiest when we play all together.  We bathe her around  7:15-7:30. Then we go downstairs...turn on the white noise and I nurse her to sleep. She sleeps the whole night through.
After Micaela goes to bed:
Dennis and I eat dinner together and we both are pretty tired at this point. I have to wash all the plastics which is just the most annoying thing ever!! I get all of them ready in a plastic container and also get my lunch ready. Then I have to pump for the morning feed...so I usually watch tv while I do this. I am seriously so tired by the end of the day and I feel like a milk machine! It's crazy!! Its so important to me to get through her first year with just all mommas milk. Dennis will sometimes help me wash the plastics but know he is so tired too. Our life is a little bit of a whirlwind. I find that we are both a little sensitive and a little short tempered. I think we will get used to this.

I often wish I could just quit work and take care of Micki full time. I feel like I miss so much in the day. I know she is good hands and I am forever grateful to my mom for watching her. I know Micaela is safe and I know she loved so much by my mom, dad and brothers. I just miss her. There are days when I feel relieved to go to work as I can actually sit with adults to eat lunch or go to the bathroom without stressing out. Its what has to be done for now.